Uncle Joe

The Race To The Bottom

Don’t worry, Republicans: I’ll get to you in a second, but you lost in 2020. Sucks to be you.

When Joe Biden was anointed by the moneyed wings of the D.N.C. to become the approved candidate for the Presidency in 2020, it was an impressive gamble on the premise that we vote for the people with whom we most identify. It was a field that contained two highly capable, brilliant, and charismatic women, a massive populist machine that backed an unapologetic socialist, a Rhodes Scholar who nevertheless somehow wasn’t the smartest man in the room… Any of these people would have done the office proud. Instead, we managed to elect the only candidate who was worse at completing sentences than Donald Trump.

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Well, At Least He’s Not Trump

President Obama had his detractors — some focusing on policy, others for far less admirable reasons — but he did have two qualities that I’m missing dearly right now: First, he was incredibly charismatic, capable of inspiring people; second, he was not merely capable of complete sentences but remarkably well-spoken.

I miss that. I miss it a lot.

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The Stolen Secretary Matter

Report, by special investigator Johnny Dollar, to the office of the Transition Administrator, Washington, D.C.
The following is an account of expenses incurred in the Stolen Secretary Matter.

It was half past one on a rainy Thanksgiving morning, and I’d been rudely awakened by an urgent telephone message. “We need your help,” they said, and when my country calls I’m there.

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Sports Desk: Did Biden Steal The Election?

Opinion

It’s complicated. You want simple answers, go find yourself a simple world to live in and grow sunflowers. The real world ain’t simple, and in the real world the answer is both “Yes” and “No”. My take on it, for what that’s worth, is: Uncle Joe stole the election, sure, but he stole it fair and square.

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F&L 2020: Conceding?

On the one hand, there’s no obligation anywhere for Trump to concede — not constitutional, not ethical, and certainly not out of self-interest. On the other, it’s genuinely inconvenient — and worse — for Democrats, particularly Uncle Joe.

So what’s up? What should happen right now, and how much should the rest of us care?

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F&L 2020: Is The Election “Rigged”?

The entire point of calling this “The Not Fake News” is to address commonly held misconceptions wherever they exist — “commonly held” because there’s no benefit to disproving something nobody believes in anyway, and “misconceptions” because there’s already a huge chorus of media outlets all voicing the same truths, so who needs one more?

In the past, people were obliging enough to present memes that could easily be demonstrated as false. However, now that our social media corporations are taking those down almost as quickly as they go up, it’s difficult to capture one long enough to dissect it, much less to spread the actual truth behind the meme. The danger of this is that rumors are started by that first glimpse, but without permanence there’s no space for discussion or disproof. Even the original poster won’t be sure what it was they started off trying to say.

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F&L 2020: Enthusiasm Gap

OPINION

Be warned: I’m about to start blaspheming here, though not against any widely respected or even recognized faith.

My target is not a god per se, but rather certain beliefs fervently held by adherents of political parties — who, if they know me well enough by now, have already stopped reading. Which is fair enough; if I fail to lend credence while they impugn my faith, why should they pay attention to someone kicking at the underpinnings of theirs?

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F&L 2020: Trump/Pence vs. Biden/Harris

Opinion/Analysis

It’s been decided:  This November, our ballots will feature Biden/Harris for the Democrats; presumably, they’ll be facing Trump/Pence* for the Republicans.  This settles one of the oft-repeated questions from past weeks, “Who will he pick?”, leaving us with… well, with rather more questions.  These include “What will the electoral map look like?”, “How do the candidates stack up against each other?”, and the all-important “Who should I vote for?”

At present, the editorial staff here at The Not Fake News has mixed feelings ourselves on that last question, so we’re not inclined to opine. (more…)

F&L 2020: Is Uncle Joe Senile?

Opinion

Let’s face it:  As long as Uncle Joe has been campaigning, his foot’s been in his mouth as often as not.  Heck, given his repeated plagiarism, sometimes it’s someone else’s foot.  …Or is that him being creepy?  I lose track.  But that’s O.K., I guess, because so does he.

In any other campaign season, the candidates would need to be out on the road (more…)

Fear and Loathing 2020: A Letter To Uncle Joe

I’ve been trying for months, but I’ve been unable to put it into words.  Then, an unusually reasonable exchange on Twitter followed by a timely DNC campaign email crystallized the thought for me.  This is what I sent back to Mr. Biden.  It says what I mean, and how I feel.  I wonder if it might not be close to how you feel.

I know this is (more…)