Author: dukemilhaus

I run the Sports Desk for now, but they let me out of the cage from time to time.

Choose Your Hill Wisely

Buckle up, buttercup. This one’s going to be a ride.

My friends keep telling me that I should be more upset about Trump. I say: since when does panic help? We’re a month into Armageddon and I feel fine. Canned goods, artillery, and stockpiled toilet paper ease the anxiety some — and there’s a lot to ease, God knows. If it’s this or the fiscal cliff, we’re all screwed anyway.

The Trump Speed Circus is back in town, and it’s a howling beast of a thing: raw, unfiltered, DOGE tearing through Washington like a Cocaine Bear meet-cute. The air’s thick with confusion, a swirling fog of half-baked policies and wild-eyed firings that’s got the so-called Resistance stumbling around like drunks at a funeral. You can smell the panic, taste the disarray. It’s February 25, 2025, and the machine’s spinning so fast it’s throwing sparks — nobody knows where to plant their flag.

Friends, hear me. That’s the whole damn point.

(more…)

Sports Desk: You’re ALL Dumbasses, Sport

“Those who fail to learn from the brutal stompings visited on them in the past are doomed to be brutally stomped in the future.”
– Raoul Duke, Christmas Eve 1972

Late last night, while I was engaged in my regular sacrifices and oblations the Great White Porcelain God Whose Name Is Ralph came a pounding on the door at the damnedest moment imaginable. They broke in, and my feeble gestures of resistance notwithstanding, they did their evil deeds and left. Imagine my shock when I recovered myself enough to stagger into the living room only to discover six cases of beer, an IBM Selectric, a recently reconnected Mojo Wire, and enough speed to charge a rhino. The Editorial Enforcement Division had visited again and caught me at a weak moment. I might have said with my pants down, but that would be an abuse of the metaphor. I’m the one being abused and I don’t want to detract from that point, so I’ll avoid the figure of speech and just get right to it.

(more…)

Sports Desk: The Power Of One Vote

There is a dusty typewriter on the vacant desk that is our Sports Department. In fond memory of our dear departed Sports Editor, we’ve left it unchanged — the ashtray still overflows, the empty bottles fill the bottom drawer, and even the same sheet of paper sits on the platen — still pristine after all these years.

Some days, sheets of manuscript mysteriously appear in the Out Box. When they’re cogent, we do some minimal editing and send them out under Duke’s byline. After all, it could be him, filing on the great Mojo Wire from Beyond…

(more…)

Sports Desk: Hundreds Of Billions Of Dollars

(Editor’s Note:  The views of the Sports Desk do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Not Fake News or its staff.  Please don’t sue us.)

It pains me greatly to have to explain this, but you leave me no choice:  We are NOT giving Saudi Arabia guns.  We’re SELLING them guns.  For a LOT of money.

Sometimes, you people scare me.  I mean, forget about fake news.  The real problem is, the viewers are so frigging stupid.

No, not you.  See, the difference is, you read.  I can tell (more…)

Hateful Team Rivalries

OK, huddle up, and take a knee.

I want to talk about team rivalries, and brace yourselves, team:  This will not be pretty.

Many people have been taught to hate the Other Team at all costs.  They’ve been shown – wrongly – that making excuses for themselves, and denying the good plays made by the opposite team, that this is a good thing.  I’m here to tell you, it is not; it is divisive and self-destructive, and it harms our people more than any really bad call ever could. (more…)

Scoring A Touchdown

(Editor’s Note:  This is another in our ongoing series of guest columns on current events.  Rudyard “Duke” Milhaus of the Sports Desk is well-known for his passionate commitment to objective journalism.  Unfortunately, due to his exhausting schedule of hands-on research into America’s prisons and substance abuse problems, this is the only picture of him we can find.)

Have you ever tried to bargain with someone?  To dicker?  You know, tried to get the best deal on a car, or something else that’s flexible in price?  How you do it is, you start out with an extreme offer, then slowly work your way to a price that’s more in the middle ground, somewhere between what they want to get and what you want to pay. (more…)

To Russia With Love, From The Sports Desk

Editor’s Note:  This is another in our new series of guest columns on current events.  Rudyard “Duke” Milhaus of the Sports Desk is well-known for his passionate commitment to objective journalism.  That we’re publishing his lovely and perfectly neutral article has nothing whatsoever to do with that large-bore handgun he keeps fiddling with.

What’s all this obsession we suddenly have with Russia?  Why is the media being so critical of them?  This is a country that not too many years ago I remember watching as we cheered their peaceful revolution, watched them embrace democracy and capitalism — and now we’re supposed to hate them?!  The new administration apparently wants to get along with them — what’s the matter with that? (more…)

Notes From The Sports Desk

Editor’s Note:  This is our very first guest column, from a brand-new member here at WordPress.  Rudyard “Duke” Milhaus will be manning our Sports Desk here at the only true source for unbiased news on the Web.  I know I can count on you all to make him feel welcome.

So, let’s talk about football, that game where one side tries to move a ball over the other side’s goal line.  A game of military precision, where it’s brutal, and quite frankly damaging to the players. In modern football, there are pads to deflect the blows and minimize the damage done, but injuries still happen from time to time. (more…)