Trump’s second impeachment is over in record time, and of course they didn’t convict him. The big question is, what did you miss while the big show was playing?

Here at The Not Fake News, we keep track of these things for you so we can bring you these periodic news digests. So sit back, queue up your favorite sea chanteys, and relax while we tell you what really happened.

“Well, it’s Groundhog Day. Again.”
-Bill Murray, “Groundhog Day”

Aside from that, not much really seems to be happening. Except… is there? While the major news networks are full of reports on topics ranging from the erratic entertainment value of the Superbowl to “Uncle Joe’s” flying home for the weekend in the face of COVID lockdowns, isn’t it possible you might have missed an event or two of actual importance?

We at The Not Fake News think so, which is why we bring you these periodic news digests. Buckle in; I promise it’ll be a ride.

What with all the bread and circuses we’re getting out of Washington, D.C. these days, it’s possible you’ve been missing out on a few of the meatier world events that have been happening. Pull up a chair and read on for a bit more protein in your Not Fake News diet.

Happy New Year, and welcome to the first year of the Twenties. May they Roar!

In case you’ve been overwhelmed by headlines and internet trends, here’s a few happenings you may have missed over the past few days. For those of you who have been avoiding all media but this, I’ll mention a couple of recent events that everyone else will recognize. I’m sure they won’t mind.

The election is over, and Biden/Harris made the cover of Time Magazine. COVID deaths are up and vaccines are being approved for rapid distribution. You know all this already; it’s not news. It’s olds.

So here’s a few things you might not have known:

If you’ve spent the past week breathlessly watching the presidential election and subsequent vote-counting, you’ve probably suffocated. It’s important to remember to breathe.

And yes, they’re still counting votes in Nevada. That’s because it’s Las Vegas. They really want you to tremble with anticip—

The Presidential race is in its last days, with an actual civil debate for once, and COVID-19 is raging again across the country as the population begins to reject those precautions that have heretofore kept the disease at manageable levels.

But you already know all this; you couldn’t have missed it. So here’s some things you might not have known about — until now.

On this day in 1307, hundreds of Knights Templar were arrested at dawn by King Phillippe IV of France. They were later tortured, tried, and convicted of heresy. In other news, I don’t much care for Joe Biden’s candidacy, though I like the guy in person, and will probably vote third party.

A great deal has happened since our last Update, but not so much of great pith and moment. Let’s take a look, shall we?

So much has happened, it’s very likely that in all the hubbub and hullabaloo you’ve missed something which otherwise might be considered Earth-shatteringly important. And so, without further ado, here’s a brief precis of those items of interest that may have failed entirely to have caught your interest since our last Update: