You already know this: Ukraine has been invaded by Russia again, all the world except Tucker Carlson and a few of his more rabid followers hates Putin, and Kiev is now spelled Kyiv but will soon be smoking rubble. Too soon? Very much so, but it’s either laugh or cry.

But we’re not here to talk about World War III, so instead we’re pressing on with all the news you might have missed while waiting for the hammer to fall. Which it will.

A great sportsball event took place yesterday, as one team outsportsballed another team and gained a sportsball victory in the annual sportsball game. The ads were said to be spectacular, as always.

In other news…

No, you’re not imagining things. There’s an Update, even though we’re still on hiatus.

My advice: It’s like manna from heaven. Don’t waste time gawping; just accept that good things sometimes happen and be happier than you were ten minutes ago.

And then read the news, which admittedly may cost you some happiness and/or peace of mind.

Is it a happy New Year? Really? …Well, at least it’s New. Right? …Right?

Well. One out of three ain’t bad.

Hello and welcome to the most recent edition of the Update from The Not Fake News: All the news you’re afraid you might have missed while you (quite sensibly) left the TV turned off for the past couple of weeks! So, without further ado, let’s get started!

If it’s December 2021 in The Not Fake News, what time is it in New York? My watch stopped.

And if you too have lost track of what’s going on in the real world during this surreal time, read on for details!

Happy Thanksgiving! If the return of the Macy’s parade doesn’t interest you, and if you’ve lost track of what’s been happening in the world — the real news, that is, rather than who’s been found guilty and who hasn’t in the new sport of Televised Trial Infotainment — feel free to read on.

And if you’re not interested in what’s happening in the world around you, what are you doing here?

Against all expectation, things are actually happening in Washington D.C. these days. And, not to put too fine a point on it, some of them are actually newsworthy.

…I know; right?

So, for the benefit of all of you who shut down in self-defense at the words “new” or “politics”: Here’s the short version, with as little spin put on it as conscience permits.

The second Hallowe’en under quarantine is approaching, and kids are still stuck uncostumed throughout most of the civilized world. Mischief Night will go mischiefless and All Souls Day will arrive virtually unheralded, all because we don’t want to actually join the celebratees on the Day of the Dead.

…Which, I suppose (regretfully) is reasonable. But I’m still annoyed.

For those of you who care about other things than Hallowe’en, you have my pity. Out of an overabundance, our loyal and hardworking staff has compiled headlines for yet another of our news digests so you don’t have to worry about missing anything important during all the hype surrounding the non-news on CNN. And for those of us mourning our beloved holiday, perhaps this will help serve as a welcome distraction.

Ever feel like the evening news is stuck on Repeat, and it just keeps endlessly feeding us the same disaster list over and over again?

Unfortunately, it’s not your television. It’s the world that’s stuck, or is it The Matrix?

It’s been a while since our last Update; thanks for that, COVID.

Here are a few events you might have missed in the mean while: