Sports Desk

Choose Your Hill Wisely

Buckle up, buttercup. This one’s going to be a ride.

My friends keep telling me that I should be more upset about Trump. I say: since when does panic help? We’re a month into Armageddon and I feel fine. Canned goods, artillery, and stockpiled toilet paper ease the anxiety some — and there’s a lot to ease, God knows. If it’s this or the fiscal cliff, we’re all screwed anyway.

The Trump Speed Circus is back in town, and it’s a howling beast of a thing: raw, unfiltered, DOGE tearing through Washington like a Cocaine Bear meet-cute. The air’s thick with confusion, a swirling fog of half-baked policies and wild-eyed firings that’s got the so-called Resistance stumbling around like drunks at a funeral. You can smell the panic, taste the disarray. It’s February 25, 2025, and the machine’s spinning so fast it’s throwing sparks — nobody knows where to plant their flag.

Friends, hear me. That’s the whole damn point.

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Sports Desk: You’re ALL Dumbasses, Sport

“Those who fail to learn from the brutal stompings visited on them in the past are doomed to be brutally stomped in the future.”
– Raoul Duke, Christmas Eve 1972

Late last night, while I was engaged in my regular sacrifices and oblations the Great White Porcelain God Whose Name Is Ralph came a pounding on the door at the damnedest moment imaginable. They broke in, and my feeble gestures of resistance notwithstanding, they did their evil deeds and left. Imagine my shock when I recovered myself enough to stagger into the living room only to discover six cases of beer, an IBM Selectric, a recently reconnected Mojo Wire, and enough speed to charge a rhino. The Editorial Enforcement Division had visited again and caught me at a weak moment. I might have said with my pants down, but that would be an abuse of the metaphor. I’m the one being abused and I don’t want to detract from that point, so I’ll avoid the figure of speech and just get right to it.

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The Beltway Driver’s Dream

Contest entry, rejected

Imprisoned in ant-farm condos, the wild is walled away. Trees march between us in nice even rows. Aliens descend weekly to lop the heads off all our dandelions, speaking lovely liquid Português. We cannot have flowers or paint our doors red. I bet the aliens can.

Gates constrain us, curbing channels us, our parking spaces are assigned. Separated by common landings, we nod politely, never speaking. Nightly garbage walks are furtive lest, caught unawares, we meet.

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Sports Desk: Did Biden Steal The Election?

Opinion

It’s complicated. You want simple answers, go find yourself a simple world to live in and grow sunflowers. The real world ain’t simple, and in the real world the answer is both “Yes” and “No”. My take on it, for what that’s worth, is: Uncle Joe stole the election, sure, but he stole it fair and square.

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Sports Desk: The Power Of One Vote

There is a dusty typewriter on the vacant desk that is our Sports Department. In fond memory of our dear departed Sports Editor, we’ve left it unchanged — the ashtray still overflows, the empty bottles fill the bottom drawer, and even the same sheet of paper sits on the platen — still pristine after all these years.

Some days, sheets of manuscript mysteriously appear in the Out Box. When they’re cogent, we do some minimal editing and send them out under Duke’s byline. After all, it could be him, filing on the great Mojo Wire from Beyond…

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Sports Desk: Regime Change

We have a new guest columnist; someone came in and left this on the empty desk over in our Sports Center.  Unlike most others, this one also left a release.  Wonders never cease.  -Editor

Football season’s over and the Virus is keeping a lot of folks home, but there’s always good conversation over at my favorite watering hole.  There were a bunch of us talking about Tulsi Gabbard yesterday, and her strange Hawk and Dove view of foreign policy.  Makes sense to me, but not everybody gets it.  But then McK weighed in on the subject, and his words are worth repeating (more…)

Sports Desk: Steyer Floats Lead Balloon On Soylent Green New Deal

Hot off the Mojo Wire from roving Sports Desk reporter Duke Milhaus, on special assignment in New Hampshire covering the primaries. (Editor’s Note: I did NOT send him. He stole a credit card and my tech guy, and if you see him I want them both back, dammit!)

Dateline: Manchester, 05 Feb 2020
To Share Brewery

Tonight’s Meet & Greet with billionaire and recovering hedge fund manager Tom Steyer took an unexpected turn when the candidate walked back his position on cannibalism. Ever dapper in shirtsleeves, iridescent belt, and trademark plaid tie, Steyer’s (more…)

Hateful Team Rivalries

OK, huddle up, and take a knee.

I want to talk about team rivalries, and brace yourselves, team:  This will not be pretty.

Many people have been taught to hate the Other Team at all costs.  They’ve been shown – wrongly – that making excuses for themselves, and denying the good plays made by the opposite team, that this is a good thing.  I’m here to tell you, it is not; it is divisive and self-destructive, and it harms our people more than any really bad call ever could. (more…)