primary

Sports Desk: You’re ALL Dumbasses, Sport

“Those who fail to learn from the brutal stompings visited on them in the past are doomed to be brutally stomped in the future.”
– Raoul Duke, Christmas Eve 1972

Late last night, while I was engaged in my regular sacrifices and oblations the Great White Porcelain God Whose Name Is Ralph came a pounding on the door at the damnedest moment imaginable. They broke in, and my feeble gestures of resistance notwithstanding, they did their evil deeds and left. Imagine my shock when I recovered myself enough to stagger into the living room only to discover six cases of beer, an IBM Selectric, a recently reconnected Mojo Wire, and enough speed to charge a rhino. The Editorial Enforcement Division had visited again and caught me at a weak moment. I might have said with my pants down, but that would be an abuse of the metaphor. I’m the one being abused and I don’t want to detract from that point, so I’ll avoid the figure of speech and just get right to it.

(more…)

They’re Stealing the Truth

“Trump said it, so it must be a lie!”

That’s really not a terrible axiom. Oh, it’s not 100% accurate, but most of what he’s said over the years has ranged from mild exaggeration to only true in certain circumstances all the way up to a bald-faced whopper. He repeats the lie often and loudly, and some will come to believe him — and others automatically disbelieve.

Herein, however, comes a problem: Sometimes, people end up disbelieving what he says even though there’s some truth to it.

(more…)

Race To The Bottom

Early this morning, all six primary voters in Dixville Notch voted for Nikki Haley.

Yes, today is the New Hampshire primary, and it’s gonna be a strange one. For one thing, the current frontrunner and sitting president isn’t even on the ballot, thanks to the DNC picking a fight with the state over its “first in the nation” law. For another, it’s open to everyone, even if they’re not registered party members. It’ll be tough to call.

(more…)

Oh No Not Again

Happy Indictment Day!

Only not.

Sure, “Teflon Don” got marched into court, had to get fingerprinted, and is facing full public disclosure of his hush money payments. It’s embarrassing. On the other hand, nothing he’s accused of has ever garnered more than a fine, not in any case I’ve ever seen. (NOTE: I’m not a lawyer.) The action itself — paying hush money — wasn’t illegal, or even immoral, and every campaign after Eisenhower has had a damage control unit.

(more…)

F&L 2020: Kamala Harris (No, Not The Wrestler)

The first major candidate to drop out of the Democratic Primaries, Senator Harris was nevertheless in the race long enough to eviscerate Uncle Joe in the debates and to get spanked by Tulsi in her own turn.  Her fundraising was legendary but her polling was abysmal (particularly after the Gabbard debacle), and she dropped out not only before New Hampshire and Iowa but actually before 2020 — on the 3rd of December 2019, in fact, before even such notable losers as John Delaney and Marianne Williamson.

As a result, we never profiled here alongside the other candidates — a deficit we mean to make up for now.  So who is she really, and what was she before? (more…)

FAKE NEWS: Voter Suppression In Kentucky?

There have been several versions of this going around.  Trouble is, it’s completely absurd, a patently evident attempt to propagandize.

This is important for two reasons:  One, it’s apt to backfire because it’s so transparently wrong.  Two, everyone, even (more…)

Fear and Loathing 2020: A Letter To Uncle Joe

I’ve been trying for months, but I’ve been unable to put it into words.  Then, an unusually reasonable exchange on Twitter followed by a timely DNC campaign email crystallized the thought for me.  This is what I sent back to Mr. Biden.  It says what I mean, and how I feel.  I wonder if it might not be close to how you feel.

I know this is (more…)

F&L: Our Endorsement

The editorial staff of The Not Fake News, together with our Brain Trust, has long debated registering our formal endorsement for the Presidency of the United States.  With the departure of Bernie Sanders from the race, we have finally determined that there’s absolutely nobody running we think is qualified, competent, mentally stable, and has unimpeachable moral standards.

This is nothing new in American politics.  Very few of our presidents (more…)

Fear and Loathing: Bernie Sanders Drops Out

I’m warning you up front:  This is not news.  It’s a biased opinion piece.  The only news is that Bernie Sanders has ended his presidential campaign.

Read anyway.  It’ll be good for you, and you might even learn something. (more…)

F&L: The Wisconsin Primary

It’s been in the news by now, so you may fancy you already know all about it — and, given the quality of my readership, you may even be right.

However, I’m not writing this entirely for the present day, but rather as a running account of what will doubtless be known as the “COVID Primary” for future readers.  Then too, there may be something in here of which you may as yet be unaware.  In light of these factors, then, I beg your indulgence for the forthcoming account. (more…)